Lonely without you to hold
by LadyNovesia
Summary: Margaret is lonely on Christmas eve. Post war. M/H in the end. Inspired by the song "Lonely this Christmas" by Elvis Presley


Disclaimer: I do not own M*A*S*H*. If I would own it, Henry Blake had survived and Hawkeye and Margaret had married in the end.

„ _I'll be home for Christmas, if only in my dreams"_

Margaret switched of the radio. For three years she had thought the same. Dreamed of being home for Christmas. All the time she spent in that hell, in a war that wasn't even one in the eyes of the officials. A war that was only called "police action".

She remembered the holiday she spent with her parents, while she sat in the mess tent, eating something she couldn't really identify and drinking eggnog made of powdered eggs. She and her parents had gathered in the dining room, a gigantic turkey on the table. Her father spoke a prayer before handing out filled plates to his wife and daughter. After dinner they sat together in the living room,drinking hot chocolate and telling stories before it was time for Margaret to go to bed.

But now the war was over and Margaret wasn't in Korea any more. This year she was home for Christmas. The only problem was that it r home any more. All the time she had thought of Christmas and of home she only thought of the happy times of her childhood. She hadn't thought of all the times her mother was to drunk to even put the turkey in the oven. The times her father came home to a cold dinner and a drunken wife. The fights her parents would have afterwards. Or the times her dad wouldn't even come home on Christmas eve. She also hadn't thought of her parent's divorce and everything that had changed in that process.

So now she was sitting in a small appartment, a take away pizza in front of her. Her mother had cancelled their holiday dinner a few days earlier due to the fact that she was invited to spent the holidays with the family of her new husband. And her dad was still angry that she didn't take the job in Brussels which had been offered to her and had not forgiven her for leaving the army after she realized that her view of discipline and the army in general had changed.

Margaret sighed. In moments like this she really missed Korea. Not the killing, but the people she was surrounded with. Charles' snobbish behaviour, BJ's stories about Erin and Peg, his pranks or Hawkeye's flirting with the nurses. Hawkeye...just to think of him brought tears to her eyes.

For the first two years in Korea she saw him as some kind of enemy. A young, drafted doctor with an incredible talent but unfortunately with a big mouth and an ego too big for his own good. A undisciplined troublemaker whose only goals in life were to make life hard for his superiors, especially for Frank Burns and herself, and to ruin every tiny bit of discipline and morale left in this unit.

But after a some time she started to recognize him for what he really was. A man who tried to fight the insanity and the ever present fear surrounding them with his bad jokes and wisecracks.

He was also a good listener who would help her during her struggles and with her troubles. So during the last years they became friends. If she was honest she had to admit that he was her best friend and that she started to feel something different for him. Something she still felt. She had fallen in love with him.

But what did it matter now? He was hundreds of miles away, in Crabapple Cove, Maine. Probably he was celebrating Christmas with his dad. Perhaps they were eating lobster for dinner. Margaret wasn't sure if lobster was considered Christmas dinner in Maine, but she remembered the way Hawkeye would speak of his home town and the lobsters the inhabitants would eat. In her mind lobsters and Crabapple Cove would always belong together.

Margaret looked at the rest of her "Christmas dinner" and decided it was time to stop reminiscing. It would do her no good to wallow in self-pity. So she decided to call it a night and went to bed after putting her dishes in the sink.

Margaret suppressed a yawn. She had driven the whole night. Last evening, while she lay awake trying to get some sleep everything had felt so easy. Drive to Crabapple Cove, tell Hawkeye how you feel and see how he will react. So she had taken her car and started driving. She drove all night to reach her destination.

But now, in the light of the slowly rising sun, she realized that the matter was more complicated than she even thought. First of all she didn't even know Hawkeye's address. OK that wouldn't probably be the problem. How many doctors could there be in a small town. No, the main problem was how Hawkeye would possibly react if she showed up on his doorstep. Margaret had to admit she was afraid. Afraid that he didn't want to see her. Or that she was to late and he had fallen in love with somebody else. But most of all she was afraid that he didn't reciprocate her feelings and that she would make a fool of herself.

She swallowed hard. It was to late now. She just passed the city-limit sign. The streets were deserted. Most people were probably at home, unwrapping the gifts Santa brought the night. After a while she saw a group of people walking down the street. She stopped her car and opened the window, to ask if somebody could tell her the way to the residence of Doctor Pierce. A few minutes later she pulled her car into the driveway of a beautiful house. It had a wonderful view over a lake and an enormous garden. She almost could imagine how it would look in springtime.

She gathered all her courage to open the door of her car. Stupid, she thought. You are Margaret Houlihan, former Major of the Army of the United States. You have endured shelling during your time in Korea. You even volunteered to go to aid stations near the front line. Why are you afraid now? She took a deep breath before descending the few steps leading to the front door. She rang the bell, before she could change her mind. After a few moments the door opened, revealing the questioning expression of Hawkeye Pierce.

"Margaret?" he asked, recognizing who his unexpected visitor was.

"Hello Hawk, " Margaret answered. Before she had time to say something more she was in his arms, his lips on hers.

" I missed you", he murmured against her lips.

"Me too", came her reply.


End file.
